This morning I took one of my bi-annual Army Physical Fitness Tests (or APFT or PT Test). This thing has the military written all over it. First, there is stringent policy to take one every 6 months. Second, it’s usually given at some horrifically early time (like 6 am this morning for example). Third, it has a nice flawed design.

So you start with push-ups. As many as you can do in 2 minutes without stopping (you can rest, sort of, during the test, if you remain in the “front leaning rest” position). The army has strict rules as to the proper angles that you need to have your arms, chest, and plane of your body during each portion of the exercise and these are all religiously read aloud verbatim prior to each administration of the test, no matter how many times you’ve heard it before. And the instructions for each exercise (even running!) go on for about no less than 5-10 minutes. I’m not joking. It’s absolutely ludicrous.

Next are traditional sit-ups. Awful, awful sit ups. I think it’s been at least 20 years since old-fashioned “sit-ups” were deemed a foolish exercise. They are extremely hard on your lower back. Furthermore, people tend to wrench their necks all over the place as they thrust up toward their knees. Sit ups are just plain bad for you. Furthermore, they destroy your hip flexor muscles endurance for the run, which you do immediately following. So you run with this weird soreness in, well, in your hip flexors. The army doesn’t care about this however. They’ve always done sit-ups, they always will. You have to do as many sit ups as you can in 2 minutes as well. You can rest, but only at the top of the sit up. There are all sorts of rules for this exercise too. (yes, there actually are many, many rules for a proper sit up, army style).

(What always gets me on the sit-ups and push-ups are the NCO’s (Non-commisioned Officers) who administer the test and who are basically in your face during the test counting every rep they see. Think of some old crusty movie sergeant, all fired up and studying your “angles” to make sure each rep is legal while barking out the number of reps you perform, in your face, AS you do them. Worse, they often miscount or miss a rep. Unbelievable. The whole process is so Kids in the Hall. “LONG MUS-CLES!” HARD MUS-CLES!”)

Also odd is that when you hold your buddy’s feet, there is about a 75% chance that he will fart while he does sit ups. I mean, there you are, all your weight on someone’s feet, about a foot from their ass, and they start doing sit ups – each rep is essentially a huge intra-abdominal pressure generator, so if there is anything in that colon, it will shortly be in the holder’s face once the exercise starts. Always a slightly awkward and slightly comical experience.

After the sit ups comes the 2-mile run. This morning it happened to be about 42 degrees out and in more classic army method you have to be in a proper uniform or you can’t do the the test. Since I don’t own any Army certified sweat pants, I did my 40-degree run in shorts and a long sleeve T-shirt. Oh, and I can’t forget the required reflective belt I had to wear.

So, this morning was the test. I did so-so. Better than last test but in general my performance on this sort of thing is trending downward as residency progresses. You get a score in each category (need a least 60 points in each exercise, rated per age group) to pass. The max score is 300. I’ve never maxed the test. Mostly because I can’t do lame sit-ups to save my life.

Every time I do the thing though it reminds me that I really am in the army, and that the army and I aren’t so much peas in a pod.

“PRIVATE PILE, HOW TALL ARE YOU!?!”