Insomnia. (3:45 am)

I have never been a person to have difficulty sleeping. But for the second time in a week, I am wracked with an early morning awakening and a complete inability to fall back asleep. I can count the number of times this sort of thing has happened to me prior to this week on one hand, and most of the occasions occurred on various Christmas Eves of childhood when I was awaiting the triumphant arrival of Santa Claus.

I woke up at 2:30 this morning. (Went to bed at 10:45). I simply could not fall back asleep. The other morning, prior to the ‘computer incident’, the same thing happened, albeit a little later (5 am). So that morning, I got up, watched the sunrise, took some pictures of it, made some coffee, and began the day. This morning, I rolled around for an hour and tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. Then I got up. I don’t really know what to do, at this point. My alarm is set for 5:30 am. I have to be at work at 7 am this morning. I would really like to do a full ER shift on more than 3-4 hours of sleep.

So now, with me out of bed, and sleep out of the question, I’m left wrestling with why this sort of thing is happening. After giving it some thought, I think I’ve discovered 3 contributing reasons.

1) Stress – Any time someone has insomnia, stress is likely to be a partial cause. At least that’s what I hear myself saying on a routine basis in my clinic. (Oh Jesus – I’m turning into one of my patients). I’m sure it’s helping in my case. But why now? Work is going pretty well. Over the past 2 months I’ve generally been feeling better overall about my life and my place in the world. What gives now? I guess I’m not sure. I think most of any stress I’m having now revolves around the current lady situation (see last entry below), which remains unresolved, and a larger potpourri type of category to include my ever present financial issues, military type stuff, and an almost endless list of small tasks at work from administrative bullshit to follow up tasks on patient visits and office documentation. (Believe me, that list is long and always, always nagging and I will never, ever be completely caught up).

2) Allergies – The allergy season has arrived en masse in the Pacific Northwest, as evidenced by the thin yellow film on my truck that greets me on a daily basis. I’m a sucker for allergies, and being completely out of Zyrtec, I can feel my throat a little more closed and swollen than usual and I’m saying “AHEM” a lot in an involuntary way. So with too much post nasal drip and not enough airway, plus a massive amount of histamine release (which tends to keep one alert, hence the drowsiness of typical ANTI-histamines), I can buy off on allergies being a part of the problem. Time for more Zyrtec, sweet Zyrtec.

3) Body Clock – No month in residency has jacked up my clock like the ER month, which has me working and sleeping at all hours and times of the day and night, and I’m sure that this is a huge contributor. I think I slept for like 12 hours 3 days ago, and about 10 hours last night. Then tonight and 2 nights ago I can’t sleep. Hmm, not too tough to figure out, I suppose.

So there it is. Still, it’s really fucking weird to wake up, be completely tired, and not be able to fall back asleep. I’ve known people who deal with this. Monica was a terrible sleeper. Gwen is too. But in my 28 years, I definitely tend to fall on the flip side of that coin, with me being highly difficult to rouse rather than rest. And this is certainly true in sleep-depriving residency, of all time periods. But, having access to all manner of medications, if this keeps up, I’ll go ahead and pop some Ambien, a popular and effective sleep-inducing agent.

Huzzah. Insomnia. Lame.

Other stuff:

Computer

I’ve settled down a little after my computer fall out from last entry. In the end, of course, this kind of thing is no big deal. I think what I hated most is the concept of not just completely wasting time, but of destructively wasting time (and worse, it not being my fault). If I choose to waste time, on my own, as a way to relax, that’s fine. But to have shit go wrong (especially while being on the phone with an “expert”) and to have it take time to make things work WORSE was suffice it to say on the order of maddening that morning. I almost developed a migraine that day (I don’t get migraines, but I felt the odd incredible pressure behind my right eye and I knew I best lay down for a while; thankfully it worked). The end result is that my computer and I will take a trip to Best Buy at some point in the near future and I’ll make good use of that 200+ dollar insurance policy I bought on this baby. Not only do my front USB ports not work, but nor does my built in flash card reader (also on the front). Even I refuse to pay extra money for an identical device (flash card reader) to that which is already built on right on the front. (Sigh, I’m becoming more reasonable like my father every day…) Still, the thought of being away from my home computer for few days while it’s being worked on seems difficult, somehow. There has to be some social commentary in that statement.

Dating and politics

On Tuesday, I went on another date with Girl Number 2. It was a lot of fun. We ate dinner here, taking advantage of the last week of “25 for 25”, Seattle-style. This girl and I get along well enough and our dates have been really run. [modified]

Dreams

Two nights ago, I had one of those out-of-this-world euphoric type dreams that I get roughly twice a year on average and absolutely live for. That’s not to say that I don’t get lots of cool and interesting dreams all the time (in fact, I seem to get weird ass dreams just about nightly). What I don’t get every night, however, is one of those action sorts of dreams that is directly tied in to a physiologic catecholamine (i.e adrenaline) inducing state, with an overall effect of essentially delivering feelings and emotions along the lines of sheer euphoria. (Oh, to get those dreams every night – I would never want to be awake).

The details of the beginning of this particular dream are hazy, but basically I was being chased by someone, or something. I believe I was holding something, something that this other being wanted. At some point, I was running away and realized that I could jump. I mean, really, really jump. At first, on my escape, I was making leaps of about 20-30 feet in the air, bounding up entire flights of stairs at a time and such. As the dream evolved, my running speed and leaping ability increased, and I began to realize that I was some sort of superhero, and I was being chased by some random supervillain. (The dawning of this fact during the dream was cerebrally powerful in a way that I can’t describe). And, as the dream went on, my powers continued to increase. The part I remember clear as day is being in a random downtown of some city, and I was literally leaping tall buildings with a single bound. Upon landing, I could immediately take off again, at equal height, and without losing speed. I could hit walls and go sideways. There was near perfect transfer of kinetic energy. I busted through windows. I felt no pain or fatigue at any time – only the rush of the wind, the vertiginous visuals of the heights, the stomach dropping gravity, and the thrilling sensation of acceleration while launching about at insane velocity. The overall effect was pure ecstasy. Also, at some point, the tables turned, and I chased the supervillain. His powers were near equal to mine, though, and neither of us could catch each other. Still, the sheer elation and euphoria of the journey was dizzying and overpowering. I don’t remember the details of the dream ending. I don’t remember what I was initially holding, or even if I still had it by the end of the dream, or if it even mattered. Some of the dream’s other characteristics are hazy, but the sensation of it’s realness (or it’s seeming reality, at the time) was exquisite.

When I finally woke up, my heart was racing. Absolutely racing. I lied in bed for several minutes, simply savoring the memory and power of that dream. It was unreal, and yet it had felt SO real. It was awesome. Then, unfortunately, there was the sad realization that I’m not some building-hopping superhero. I love those dreams, though. Normally my euphoric type dreams involve me in motion somehow, and usually it’s flying. This one was a little different, but equally convincing and insane. Man, what a feeling.

Wow, looking back over this entry, I’ve been at it for a while. I still feel tired, but now it’s almost time to get up anyway. Sigh.

Enough for now.

“Insomnia, please release me…”