I have been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea of growing up. It’s funny how such an indolently slow process can all of a sudden catch up with you. This week, as I sat in an office with my financial adviser Steve, I thought about this. Steve was sitting there, in his perfectly organized and clutter free room, with his perfectly parted hair in place, and he was asking me questions about my future plans.

“When do you think you’ll get married?”

“How many kids do you want to have?”

“How much, in non-inflation-adjusted dollars, would you like to spend on your retirement home?”

Dude. How about “I have no fucking idea” as an answer to all three of those? But Steve, in his infinite financial wisdom, probed me to give it my best guess.

When I’m 32.

Two to three kids.

I don’t know, how about 500,000 dollars?

Dude. Steve, in his calm financial-guy manner, asked me his routine set of questions. Then we went over possible financial plans. Then we debated the merits of life insurance (I’m not sure I believe in this concept). Then, we talked about how much each month I could allocate to this long term financial plan. The 2 hour interview (in which we went over my finances in depth), was enough to make my head spin.

I used to worry about what I was doing the following weekend. When my next vacation from school (and kind of school) would be. Now I’m being asked by conservatively dressed financial guy about my certain future goals, plans, and dreams. Sadly, I don’t know if I have any that are definitive. Do I want a family? Sure. Where do you want to settle? Beats me. Do you have a will? Um, no, Steve, I haven’t got around to making one yet. (But I suppose I should make one before they send me to Iraq).

Ugh. And as I sit there and ponder this, I realize that hard answers to all these questions are a part of growing up. That indolent process again. It all of a sudden catches up. And I looked around. My friend Eryn is giving financial advice to his brother. My friend Iwan says he “likes it” when he gets home “early” on Friday night. My friend Gabe has a kid. My friend Adam, well my friend Adam has been all grown up for 15 years now. I’m shaking my head over here.

And while I’m on the subject of life decisions, I have a few more I’m deliberating over.

Should I move to Seattle? I love the city, and I love the idea of being in the middle of it, of getting up on the weekends (on the permissive rotations) and already being there. There’ s so much fun stuff to do – it would be pretty sweet. On the flip side there is the heinous 55 minute one-way commute (at least it would be a reverse commute), not to mention the incredible inertia of initiating the moving process. So I’m debating it, doing some mild apartment hunting, and trying to figure it out.

Another issue (and a larger one), is what the hell should I do with my career? Yes, I will be board certified in internal medicine one way or the other. But should I sub-specialize or remain in sort of general practice? If I sub-specialize, should I pick something relatively easy with a good lifestyle yet boring or should I pick something much more intellectually and professionally rewarding yet much more grueling in lifestyle? If I sub-specialize, should I do it in the military (easier to get in, better pay during fellowship), or should I wait and get out first? Then there’s the ever present threat of an Iraq deployment looming over my head if I don’t sub-specialize.

[The chances I go to Iraq within a year or two of my finishing residency if I don’t do a fellowship right now are about 60-75%]

Iraq means this: Essentially a year of my life, roughly age 30, to be spent in some compound with about 2-4 weeks of leave back in the United States. No going outside the compound. Minimal showering. High stress.

Is this potential year enough for me to commit to an entire career choice? And if I do sub-specialize and do a fellowship, my army commitment goes up and it takes me that much longer to get out.

So all these questions, and they are coming to a head because the time to apply for fellowship is soon. Too soon. I think and think and think about it too much and get nowhere. I miss the days of winter break and the next vacation.

Financial planning. Iraq potential. Boo.