If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands...

Friday, April 7th, 2005, Deployment Day 13

Southern Baghdad, Iraq

Its Friday night, and here at the FOB that can only mean one thing. That's right - its "Surf and Turf" night at the FOB Dining Facility. (I would have written the successive acronyms "FOB DFAC" to end that last sentence, but I feared some non-military heads might explode.) The crab legs are quite solid, actually. The turf portion, however, falls short, by being both dry and tough. And I'm pretty sure the top steak places worldwide don't use heat lamps like our DFAC does, but I could be wrong. Regardless, beggars can't be choosers.

By this weekend I will have been "in theater" for two weeks. On the one hand it already seems like an eternity, yet that thought is laughable in that I obviously have quite a long way to go. My strategy is to NOT, at all, look forward to when its time to leave. For one thing, I have no idea when that time is. I don't even know how long we'll be up here in Baghdad, much less in theater in general. I would like to say it can't possibly extend past October/November at all, but I already know that this brigage was extended last time they were here in Iraq, staying for a full fifteen months that time back in 2003. So there is really nothing that can be counted on. Given this, all I'm really trying to do is focus on one day at a time.

Our command has indicated that (though they are unsure how long we'll be staying here in Iraq specifically) we should plan on being here at least another month. Upon hearing that, I sent out a mass email with my address here on it. If for some reason you are reading this and were one of the people seeking my address, and didn't receive the email, simply email me (or leave a comment) and I can send it to you. I'm not sure all my email addresses are perfectly up to date, but I'm not going to post the address here. Overall, I'm trying to be as vague as possible about any details of this place or what we're doing here. It would be nice to have a completely unfiltered blog about it, but alas, it is not to be. (When I get back, see me over beers and you'll be able to get the full story. If you're lucky, you'll also get to see my soon-to-be finely honed "thousand yard stare".)

This past week has been good in that a routine is slowly starting to settle in. My schedule has changed in that we are now required to man the aid station all day for about 8 hours, but its still not very busy. And between Jeff, Pete, and I, there are three "providers", and only one of us is required to be there at any one time, so the day remains flexible. Most days I sit around in the aid station and read a book, check email, do the daily crossword/jumble/sudoku/cryptic in the daily "Stars and Stripes", or shoot the shit with the medics and other guys. Nights mostly remain our own, with the exception of an infrequent overnight call in the TMC. We've been watching episodes of "Scrubs" in our room, as well as various movies.

In my free time I've been exercising a good bit - there is an adequate gym here with a full array of weights and cardio machines. I'll be curious to see if I gain or lose weight during my time here. I'm going to be exercising more than I have since college, but I'm also probably going to be eating significantly more. Every meal is free and plentiful here - there are multiple options at every meal and unlimited helpings. The ice cream in our DFAC is real and very good and I haven't been able to say no to it on a single night since I've been here. You might say that it's schooling me - because it is. Pete, of course, is a maniac about working out - he does two-a-days basically every day to include weights and cardio. He's also incredibly disciplined in the dieting department, as always. Overall, the guy is looking pretty toned, I must say.

Having Pete around has made this whole experience much more tolerable. Its good to have a close friend in a situation such as this. Pete and I will have these little back and forths in which we ask each other, in mock-serious tones, something like, "Hey, let me ask you something. Would you rather be skiing in Colorado right now, or stay here?" Then the other pretends to ponder it before throwing up there hands. "Not sure - I really like the constant burning trash smell here." So its good having Pete around to make those kinds of jokes with. Its those types of things, and their comforting inanity, which help keep me sane.

The most sobering event of the week was clearly the memorial service for the two deceased soldiers. It was definitely another surreal experience to add to the list I've accumulated in the past several weeks. More than surreal, though, it was just incredibly sad. I was found myself fighting back tears a couple of times. And not just for the soldiers (though that was a huge part), but for the situation. The eulogy by the chaplain was solid, but I definitely have mixed feelings about the partial twisting of a memorial service for fallen soldiers into still more pro-military "mission first" propaganda. On the one hand I understand the necessity, from a military perspective, of doing this when speaking to those remaining who still have a "mission" to carry out. This is classic army mentality at work. But for me its difficult to swallow when those deceased suddenly become, by the words of eulogists, pedastalized as "true soldiers in the purest sense", above all else, as if they were manufactured Army-Value robots rather than real people with individual lives, dreams, admirable attributes, and yet flawed all at once. For me, at least, it is those things that make them human. It is those things that make their sacrifice greatest and worth remembering. It is those things I want to hear about and grieve about. And because of this, I found that the most touching comments were those spoken by the lower-ranking close friends of those killed - talking about when they first met that person or relating individual anecdotes about how THAT guy specifically used to joke around in the barracks. Other comments, mostly by the higher ups tended to be too generically "soldier" for me - as if they were reading the script for a recruitment commercial. And this facet left a bitter taste in my mouth. But overall the ceremony was well done. And sad.

The memorial was at sunset and lasted about an hour. Many people came. At one point Amazing Grace was sung and later "Taps", the haunting military melody, known to me only from movies until now, was played while we all stood there and saluted. Most chilling was a "final roll call" in which the 1st SGT read the squad rosters of those deceased. The soldiers remaining from their squads all responded to their own name with a resounding "Here Sergeant!", but when the deceased were called, three times each in all, there was only silence. The effect was incredibly powerful. And again, just so damn sad - I start tearing up just thinking back on it. Then there was a firearms salute follwed by silent tributes as people approached the memorial site, which consisted of two rifles stuck in the ground with the soldiers' helmets on top of each and dog tags hung on as well. (The actual remains of deceased soldiers are sent backward and quickly, to the families.)

There were prayers read, as well. At one point, a very strange thing occurred. All was quiet except for the chaplain's voice as he read a Psalm from the Bible aloud. Outside the FOB, there was islamic music playing from one of the nearby mosques. And in that relative silence, the music escalated to mix in with and almost drown out the Chaplain's voice. The effect of the competing Islamic and Christian elements and the ugly distorted audiologic mess that resulted was disheartening and disturbing, to say the least, and perhaps profoundly metaphoric in the context of the greater situation as well. It was certainly food for thought for me as I stood there, feeling sad for the death of two specific people, and then realizing, once again, that thousands, American and otherwise, have already died in this utter mess. And then lastly I was left wondering sadly if I, or anyone, will ever truly be able to make heads or tails of this gigantic and ongoing nightmare in the middle east.