Episode 2 - Electric Boogaloo

(First off, I almost never miss a chance to throw out the old "Electric Boogaloo" after a number 2 of anything, movie or otherwise. Second off, "Star Wars Episode 2 - Electric Boogaloo" actually deserves that sub-title more than any film (other than the original Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo, that is). I'll explain why a little further below. Third off, there is more to this post than Episode 2 complaining. So, if you're not into that, its probably best to skip down to the bottom.)

But first the necessary pain. Sigh. I think I'm most disappointed because I thought that after lasting through Episode 1, Episode 2 would be a breeze. Unfortunately, that wasn't really the case. As it turns out, Episode 2 qualifies as "wincingly bad" in many parts as well. In fact, I would say that overall it seemed that for every Jar Jar uppercut and Jake Lloyd body blow that Episode 1 could muster, it was countered masterfully by a Hayden-tries-to-act sucker-punch and an evolving-love-story groin kick. And once again, it was I, Bitter Mick, caught in the middle, absorbing the damage like an early-round Rocky against a furious Ivan Drago.

To be a little more objective, I would classify Episode 2 as superior to Episode 1 in that it (and this is a compliment, I guess), didn't leave me feeling quite as hollow as the first. Everything seemed a little more serious, and the darkening tone was nice. Unfortunately and obviously, however, the humongous draw back to Episode 2 was the god-awful love story and horrific portrayal of Anakin Skywalker.

Hayden Christiansen is a terrible actor. I'll say that again because I think its important. Hayden Christiansen is a TERRIBLE actor. I felt like in many scenes that *I* could have literally gone out there and done a better job. Granted, the poor kid isn't helped a lick by any of the George Lucas Mc-dialogue (which is again absolutely atrocious - even Ewan McGregor stumbles over a few scenes in this one - saying some of the lines with a half-grimace indicating he's almost in pain to have to be reciting a specific line. But hey, that's what Lucas dialogue does - it causes pain.) So you take Christiansen and Lucas dialogue and you now have two bad things that go worse together. The problem becomes synergistic.

I can't believe how terrible Anakin's speaking scenes are. From top to bottom, they are all ridiculous. I was either shaking my head or laughing out loud (not a good thing) in at least 75% of his scenes. I think I have the problem of expectations creeping in here. When I saw the movie in the theater, I remember being ready for 2 straight hours of Jar Jar plays Anakin, and I remember being pleasantly surprised when that wasn't the case. This time, I went in thinking, "Ah, old Annakin isn't THAT bad." And that's why my spirits are now crushed. He is THAT bad. He's actually worse. I dare anyone to find a scene illustrating otherwise. That kid is terrible. He rattles off his lines like a broken speak-and-spell. And whereas Jar Jar is a stain on the first movie, Hayden Christiansen threatens to bring down an entire franchise. We can forget Jar Jar (as long as he doesn't rear his ugly head in Episode 3), but we're sort of depending on Christiansen. He is the cancer in the Star Wars locker room just when we need him for the big game. This is a very scary proposition.

The love story is a mess. Highly flawed scenes which must be mentioned but defy explanation or further comment include: The first time they meet again, the playing and tickling in the field, the first kiss where the music stops, the absurd sand is coarse but your skin is smooth speech, the stupid dinner where Anakin uses the force to help Padme eat fruit, the falling in love with Anakin because he just told me he slaughtered a whole village including women and children scene, and of course the "i truly, deeply, love you" scene before the arena battle. All of those scenes were completely terrible and/or utterly laughable. And now I'm moving on from that part of the story, before I start foaming at the mouth.

Anakin's descent. This is a good idea, and obviously essential, but it really falls short because of the bad acting. This kid just can't pull it off. So I'm left just sort of accepting that its happening, even though I can't really see it happening in any coherent way that isn't unintenionally comical. Would have been nice, but hey. That scene where he shakes in bed during his nightmare still gets me every time. And why, oh why, does Lucas cut away from the Sand People slaughter scene? That raw anger and power would have been great to help develop the Vader in Anakin. Ugh.

Other thoughts:

-Jango Fett - A cool character. Though I really would of preferred it if Lucas had let Boba Fett be Boba Fett and have some other cool charachter be the "other enemy" in this one. The Lucas obsession with making EVERYTHING come full circle for all six movies has gotten a little ridiculous, and this is the perfect example. I like both adult Fetts, but I'm not really a fan of watching "Lil' Boba" fire up the tail guns (isn't that cute how he helps out his old man in a fight?!?!) or giggle childishly while dad is "pulling out surprises" during space combat. And the whole death scene, with Lil' Boba holding his dad's head in his hands, is unnecessary. Come on. The motivation for Boba Fett has always been that he's a cold, hardened bounty hunter doing a job for hard cash, not some ridiculous revenge against jedis and their friends because they killed my dad sub-plot.

-Jango fights Obi Wan. Good scene. Love the rain.

-The clone world. Very well done. Cool Aliens. Cool escalation of music as the army is revealed. Good acting by McGregor as he goes through the place. This is the part of the movie where the Star Wars feel increases and my interest begins to emerge in the story.

-The Emperor. Again, nice work by this guy. No complaints.

-The arena scene. Another complaint of mine. Not a great scene. First, we're introduced to the scene with part of that heinous love story, which is bad enough. Then, the bad jokes come flying with lives on the line (though this is somewhat tolerable given its prevalence in earlier films). The ripped shirt was TOO gratutitous. These creatures were another Lucas showcase rather than anything all that interesting. (Compare this to the rancor scene in Jedi, which is hands down way cooler and more tense). And the jedi attack. I once called this "Jedis on Ice, the musical", and I still stand by that. Lots of generic jedis, whirling and fighting and twirling and prancing! (this is what I meant by the "electric boogaloo" scene, referred to earlier). The whole thing is too busy on the eye and not even all that engrossing. Its as if Lucas said "OK, for this scene, everybody who is a jedi should be spinning a lot and blocking fake lasers a lot with no real rhyme or reason - and pay no real attention to any direction or potential focus of battle - that's totally unimportant for you guys - my computers will do ALL that for us. OK, ready? Action!" Which leads to another of my gripes. When Luke Skywalker blocked lasers with his saber, it was cool, AND it actually took some effort. In these films, any ho-hum jedi can whirl about and block 20 lasers at a time with one hand all the while patting out a deep yawn with the other. But hey, as long as the digital overlay shots look sweet, who cares, right?

-Droid Factory. Um, video game. Next.

-Count Dooku. A solid character. Christopher Lee, of course, rocks. Terrible name - just ridiculous and unnecessary. Overall well done, though. (Although for fun watch even Lee trip up over the shit dialogue in that scene where he firsts encounters Obi Wan in all chained up. As you'll recall, he didn't have this problem in LOTR.)

-Yoda fight. I'm a big fan of this. Here is where Lucas hits paydirt. He has the wonderful universe filled with characters people are really into. He has the potential to do so much with them. And with yoda, here, he actually lives up to the potential dream. Total chills scene as Yoda comes hobbling into that hangar right after Dooku schools Anakin and Obi Wan. A little bit of the old Star Wars euphoria always creeps back in with this one. Worth the price of admission. I espeicially enjoy how Yoda simply tosses away everything Lee throws at him. Its the ultimate vehicle for the delivery of the "inner calm and peace overcomes all" message that Lucas tries to convey.

And that's about it. I could nitpick other stuff all day but even I get tired of that. Overall, I would say episode 2 starts to get on track and move in the right direction despite the utter failure of some critical story elements (read; Anakin's entire development). It finally starts to feel a little like Star Wars, which is hard to say for Episode 1, at least for me.

So in summation, Episode 2 is not very good, but it sucks less than Episode 1, which is a step in the right direction. And despite it all, I'm still pumped (but reserved) for Episode 3. And hey, that's positive, right?


Other Stuff

A couple of quick hits.

-This blog will be getting a new look soon. I've been debating, for some time now, about "going public" with this thing, and opening up it to more groups of peeps that I keep in contact with. It sort of coincides with my moving to Germany thing, but I've been thinking about it for a while. Regardless of what I decide, this whole thing will probably get a new format - and I have plans to set up the old discostup.com (for pictures, etc) a bit more to coincide with this idea. More later.

-My resident retreat is this weekend. White water rafting in south western Washington. It's gonna be fun. And cold. So very cold....

-This Onion Article is priceless. Check it out.

-Finally - Pics. Here are two pics from Whistler. One features me and my boy Pete (both drunk!) in a bar at Whistler. His taint is not visible in the photo. The other is from a "jaunty walking guy" street sign from Canada. Check out his Canadain strut, which gets me in stitches every time I see it. Canada is such a gold mine for instant comedy - I can't believe it. Iwan that's on you! Enjoy!